dearest dearest mary-jane, first of all, i hate you all, how dare you go to a stereo total concert without me? and yes i like them! i discovered them earlier this year, and they're so.....worshippable....
second of all....you did not need to specify that you were drunk off your ass, it was quite obvious *g*, another reason to hate you all, i cannot remember the last time i felt like drinking, or rather the last time i felt comfortable enough/was in the right company to drink..

mkay, so sunday, nothing much i worked my ass off webpage wise and discovered that i hate java, wonderful thing though: chris' parents had stopped by on sat and left her some food, so we had yummy potato salad and even yummier parsley baked salmon meow! foodwise i have been so spoiled lately. and as dessert: layered chocolate-nut cake. myam.
i still hated java, sincerely, and to the bone, thought it was easy to get a free code and paste it and whatnot, but no! it had to ruin my stylesheets/link colours in specific.

note: go read m li's blog, every time she talks about webwork, it's just so casual....and it's sometimes a really big struggle for me...i think the design is just the hardest part, to maintain/fill with content would be tedious at its worst, although i still think i would like to do that.....i keep myself from being depressed, by telling myself that i've just been toying with this for the last year, so yeah....

so i made an appointment with some webchick for tomorrow, so she can have a look, but as soon as i went home, i didn't feel like working on it at all, then dh and mels stopped by and we had coffee and ice cream at friendly's (that was 11ish), after i had 3 cups of coffee, i tried retracing my steps, and retrying them, and suddenly it worked! still gonna go to that appointment though.

and nemoto-sensei e-mailed me that she was back *panic attack* my designs aren't finished yet! and most of what i have are procedures on how i can do things but i don't have the exact measurements and stuff and whatnot (e.g. for the "spartanic" white design, i only have 2 resized buttons, and the java sub menu, and the style sheet that i want to use for the main menu/text....so if you look at it in design view....it's just white...with 2 buttons) *panic attack*

oi mari-chan, tell me it'll be alright! *hyperventilates*

other highlights of the weekend: in an _extremely_ amusing and chaotic way, i have been restricted to 40hrs a week. said way involved giving sincerely yours a giant heart attack when someone said something about INS regulations. sincerely yours has _not_ been told about that. turns out said INS regulation is non-existant, and the 40 hr thing is a combined MHC/state of mass thing (basically working for 2 depts. if you work more than 40 hrs, one of the depts has to give you overpay)...so myeh...might have some good news but dunno yet, and don't wanna jinx it

 
such a cool/weird week, weird because of the emotional pool of bipolarity i have fallen into as well as am confronted with, but cool

so so cool
wednesday, DH came and kidnapped me to go to friendly's with her and mels, i got a crunchy chicken salad that wasn't really good per se, but provided me with much needed meat and greenery *g*

thursday, after DH discovered the balcony, and she and mels were hanging out there with svet and i, i had this huuuuge urge for some pancakes, although i a) did not feel hungry at all and b) was too lazy to make them (i have a pancake mix....all you do is add water and stir it and whatnot...what? i don't cook real stuff); she was hungry herself, so i looked up directions to the whately diner and we drove there. the whately diner: my favourite truck stop/diner of all times; it sports a metallic, neon lighty look from the outside, tables with small juke boxes, and cheap, but really good, food on the inside, as well as really weird patrons (i.e. truck drivers, punky high school kids, old lechers), the mere presence of whom make me feel comfortable. i had an orgasmic pancake.....myaaaam

friday, after work, svet, maria, tika and i hiked for half an hour to the connecticut river, there was a semi-yacht port there and a port restaurant - why do ppl own yachts on the connecticut river? i don't get it. anyways, had picnic there, was very very yummy, potato salad, and maria baked a loaf of bread (_real_ bread!) that was still warm, and egg sandwiches, cheese, tomatoes, and lots more....it was _so_ good and i ate so much ^_^

today, i will go work in the garden for an hour and hopefully afterwards work on nemoto sensei's webpage and chill out with DH and mels

 
funky days II
sv's ex: he was so so much like the male, more balanced version of myself...i dunno...but he was much cooler. adorable and cute, the kind of person one _must_ like and, well, adore ^_~. sv was so changed around him, much more at ease, and much more enjoying herself, although i cannot blame her for either, given my attitude towards closeness. they were just so _good_ together, and i tried recalling what sv had said about breaking up with him, and how it was mutual, and it just didn't fit into the pic. yes she got annoyed at him like 10 times during the meal, but that's just the
way she is. i think i liked him instantly, i felt like i wanted to cuddle him or something. i wasn't jealous at all about him, or the way they hugged and were so close - but i guess that is either in my nature or proof of my coldness - except in a very weird way: the fact that he had the personality he had - just so cool - or the fact that i was in general slightly jealous, tho that's not the word i'm lookislightly jealous, tho that's not the word i'm looking for, about someone caring so much, calling every 3 days or so. on the other hand it was justso weird, they were so _good_ together, and altho sv told me how it just didn't work out and why, i just. don't. understand. and it's so weird b/c he's kind of similar to me, but much more...open?...affectionate?....has more depth of feeling? i guess?
i was genuinely sad, when he left. he hugged me and lifted me up and called me "drebni vredno" (which is bulgarian and translates into "small and mean" in a slightly positive way...j's idea of a new nickname, go figure) and told me to take care of sv.... i asked him whether he shouldn't maybe take care of her, but he just shook his head silently and said no. there's just ...so much...feeling there...and yes i have immense depth of emotion for my friends, but it's different....friends are
family...i really don't know what i mean to say, except i was dumbfounded, and delighted with the person that he was, i didn't understand, and i wanted to, i felt that i had given a promise, and since it's me, that promise must be kept (although i did not say anything, it is still a
promise)...in the end i'm just so fucked up (emotion-wise), but i kept thinking about what k told me when i wrote her hysterical messages:

"no matter what, there will always be someone that cares for you"

and i do want to believe her, she is k after all, watashi no senpai, and
if i just believe in that, i will come through and (hopefully) grow.

P.S. maryjane, mish, lispotz,toas, aeas und guru ganz vermiss (obwohl ich
mit dem guru nicht kontakt hatte, bevor ich wegging....hoert sich das sehr
seltsam an, wenn ich sage, dass es da irgendwie ein gefuehl der
verbundenheit gibt? so fuehle ich mich aber *shrug*

 
funky days I

so much happened lately, and apart from my lack of concentration at work, it begs to be written, making me even more anxious and overstrung...so here i am again, sitting at the godforsaken old terminal on my floor...
i really wanted to sunbathe and go swimming on the weekend, but the wheather was sucky, also i work from 1-2 on weekends, and the pool's only open till 3...so yeah, no work out on saturday we dressed up...slutty/funky/sexy...i guess it depends on your perspective...we had been dancing on the porch to european semi-techno/beach songs all the time and i took some pics, but then we
went inside and dressed up, and j took soooo many pics on the digital camera, and they're really really not tame...also sv's ex called randomly, seemed like the dude stop by/meet sv on monday.

monday: off to work we go, and god does it suck, meh...then jap
garden....at that point my head is pounding and aching, but i had to go
meet john-c-watson about setting a date for the conference next year. it
wasn't that that bad actually, i mean i had a decent iced coffee and we
joked around,and yeah he has no life and blabs, but then, so do i.

i met j at the coffeeshop randomly, and was starting to get slightly down,
b/c she was scheduled to leave for LA sometime four o' clock on the next
morning. she was going to go meet her best friend there (handsome,
charming, gay), stick around there for the rest of the summer, and then go
directly from there to Vietnam for the next semester.... and i would not
get to see her in a very long time, not to mention the stories of her
sexual exploitations.

we went back to the dorm, and sv's ex and his trucker friend were on the porch; i didn't go out to say hi, but started hyperventilating and im-ing k; i was just really scared b/c sv told me they wanted to go eat out, and that would be like 6 bularians and 1 san, not to mention that he was her ex, and i was just scared....can't really explain it....k told me i shouldn't go if i didn't feel like it, but in the end, my stupid courage morale had the better of me....so i went outside to say hi and have a smoke, just as he came inside to tell me jokingly that he was hurt i wasn't coming out to say hi.
so we were hanging out, and it was going pretty ok, they took care to speak in english and whatnot, and i didn't feel too much out of it...we were trying to decide where we wanted to eat (and i really felt like the whately - that truckstop diner with really really good food...but the
thing's so hard to get to). so we decided on denny's, which also has diner-breakfast-food, paired with the coolest ugliest flair. sv and i went w/ the ex and his friend and j with the two others followed us in a second car. of course we got lost, j got sick and puked in the denny's parking
lot, and then we had food. food was yummy, and utterly unhealthy, but if one lives on sandwiches and ramen _that_ factor loses all threat. the guys paid for us....all of us 5 girls....i felt bad about that, and also was overcome with a huge home sickness, wanted to see "my" guys...not that they do stuff like that, it was just the general "european" atmosphere, having my cig lit and whatnot...plus i miss "my" guys and girls so much all around the year.

 
another weird day....got off work, tired as hell (meh! how many freakin' books must i shelve?...and the ironic thing is, i find the one hour of jap garden work refreshing by comparison), it was funky, i had to do "financial" errands in my lunch break, i.e. run to the student accounts office, get paycheck (that was only $40 after pay deduction *scream*) and go to bank to figure out my account. the latter was actually useful: i did a promotion thing, and so now do not have to pay any fees for a further 6 months, and i got a savings account to save myself from spending the scraps of money i get after all the deductions.

weather: rainy/gray/coldish

the good/funky thing about today: i took some piccies with a library-borrowed digital camera, and shall take some more over the weekend, i ate a sandwich with tuna, made myself ramen, bundled up in my coat and ate it on the balcony. i actually wanted to go to boston, since a friend could have given me a ride, to visit kamui, but alas, she has relatives coming :( so another boring weekend, might go swimming on sunday

so the friend dropped us off at foodmart on her way out to boston, and we went and got bread and milk and mashed potatoes (and pancakes........oooooh pancakes), and cigs of course ^_^
then we hiked all the way back, and j. told me about her sex moods/periods, and we talked about masturbation techniques and fantasies and creativity. before we went back into the dorm, we sat outside on some chairs, smoked and talked about bondage, and intellectual arguments for/against/why....the why was weird, we ended up playing devil's advocate and indulging in being very freudian...
must make pancakes tonight

 
oh my god, oh my god oh my god oh my god: this came in my inbox today:
"The Senior Staff met and decided to lower the cost of summer housing for
all students who are paying for their own summer housing at Mount Holyoke
College. You will be charged at a rate of $85.00 per month. Because this
change came after the summer rate had been established and is a discount
for only those students hwo will be paying their own housing costs, the
College must treat this cost reduction as a taxable benefit. You will
realize a cost savings in the housing bill, however, you will also notice
an increase of a few dollars in tax withholdings."

oh my god...please let it not be a hoax...this would be soooo good! rent was supposed to be - as everyone knew who heard me whining: _$400_

oh my god oh my god oh my god

keep your fingers crossed!!!!

but i don't think it's true! i did hear rumours about a 10 % reduction....but then $85 would be a typo for $385......why would the gods be so very very cruel??????????????

*growl growl growl*

 
this must be the weirdest way i ever wrote a blog....am typing this on
this ancient (and i mean ancient and yellow) comp in the 3rd floor of the
library, that consists of a keyboard and a monitor and no hard drive, and
am sending this as e-mail to myself....to be copied and pasted into
blogger.....weirdity

so i'm writing....kay? and i'll write more later....but later won't be
until 6ish, when i get home from the jap garden...and i know i haven't
posted in for-ev-ah, but hey, i didn't feel like whining anymore, and i
just wanted to curl up and talk to you guys in person, which i couldn't.

meh...relationship....meh....i'm no good at this...maybe i should just
wear a sign on my forehead saying "in order to save time for both you and
me, and for noone to get hurt: i am unable to have human contact".....well
with noone but my friends of course ....but friends are family ^_^
now an hour lunch break, and then scanning articles that are sent to other libraries for 2 hrs or so....then some random shit involving shelving, and if i'm lucky just hanging out at the comps till 5...then jap garden till 6....

so i promise i'll write more later, cross my heart and hope to die (oh
scratch that...with so many hrs of work, and so little money left after
paying rent, hope to die anyways, or sleep....something or other)^_~

 
Ima koko ni
Kaerimi sureba
Waga nasake
Yami o osorenu
Meshii ni nitari

--Yosano Akiko

Silly Lucifer-chan; should never have let lizzie know your password ;)

SANDRA is going to be a firefighter when she grows up; I have dreamed this and so it must be so. She shall wear big boots and carry a big hose and walk around and put out fires. In my game of the Sims the fireman shows up often; I really feel that he should be a Family Friend. I could use another one; Duo and Heero are stuck in their jobs. I'm sure it's because I made them make out in front of others--nobody asked, and nobody told, but that groping hand on the ass was a bit of a giveaway. I am obsessed with yaoi. Yaoi is lovely. I'm looking at the world through yaoi-colored glasses, you know. Better than roses. Never was a big roses person. I like daffodils and daisies and petunias and calla lilies and sunflowers and pretty much everything that's bright and yellow. SANDRA likes flowers, but prefers them a lovely shade of green. V. healthy for a flower, being green is. For them it's easy indeed. I really love Kermit. I do, I do. My friendfriend has this tape called 'kermit unpigged' with much kermit music. I quite like Miss Piggy, too; I feel that we have very much in common. I see myself as being similar to Miss Piggy. Is that madbadsadawfulpathetic? I used to do a mean M. Piggy impression, but I'm out of practice.

. . . was this what you had in mind when you said I could post now and then?