tired wet sandra....woke up 6....boarded bus at 7:50...supposed to arrive at 11ish leaving enough time for some shit and then appointment with anthro advisor at 2
haha
yeah right: stupid bus person gave me ticket that doesn't exist. odyssey all over the place. stranded in amherst. taxi ride to campus. arrived at 1:50, left stuff in nearby dorm...still in time for appointment
blood level subzero b/c no food/no liquid except for coffee....after lenghty coffee session with advisor (know i scared him) and trip to get room key (*messy* room, but porch, will sleep with friends in another dorm tonight)
caught in thunderstorm, wet to the bones, stripped in hallway, ran around in towels, bloodlevel still subzero
pros: have cigs now, met funky 40 yr old chick in the second layover in springfield, massachussetts (first layover was hartford, connecticut). very cool. semi-abandoned kids (semi b/c kids think it's totally ok) travelling all over place
the phone rang, on the other end a voice that i haven't heard in over a year; one of my aunts, this one resides in Vienna, two kids, the older born only a month after my sister. we talked and talked until her phone card ran out.
she emphasized the recent birth of another kid, and the upcoming birth of another kid (god, they're all over the place). which brought two things home: 1) i'm gaining cousins, and i haven't seen some of them
2) i'm an aunt. my 23 (24?) yr. old worshippable ladylike cousin in Cairo gave birth to a son. i knew that, i did. but
i'm an aunt. as if there isn't enough of them all over the place. and to top things off, my 8 yr. old sister is an aunt
as well now.
no comment
the bigger part of the conversation was spent on my futile attempt at getting educated. criticising my choice of major (anthropology). criticising my lack of specialization in business/comp/languages. i know languages, i do. i just haven't got enough time for all of them/getting a fucking degree. it was the same spiel the aunt i'm residing with at the moment gave me. i don't know, ok? there is a good reason why i see myself working at mcD's in the future. and if ppl keep on telling me what i do makes no sense, well then f*** mcD it _will_ be.....i mean maybe i'll be lucky and sell some drugs on the side. but i'm a wimp, so i doubt it.
[she does have a point: there are no jobs, _none_, in Vienna that you could get without a master or at least an advanced study of IT or marketing, and i doubt the rest of Europe is much into Anthro]
whatever.....i'm delusional and i'm Lucifer....so shut up and cower in fear
well...if there is a god, and if he is anything like the image my blood relations paint of him, one thing is for sure: i will surely, most certainly burn in hell. when i looked up tonight from this old hard futon [that is -slowly-slowly- sliding off its frame] i saw for the first time that virgin wall scroll right above me. how could i have not seen it? it's so sooo big. [do you realize i'm writing this while looking at a jesus-exits-his-own-tomb greeting card????]. i will burn in hell. for telling my aunt to just give me 5 more mins on the comp, and then i'll make her tea, while being in this room with all its holistic things, in this house really, and spending those 5 mins and more just....reading juicy yaoi....verrrry lemony yaoi. and the sidestory of the fic was about ppl being unaccepting of homosexuality nonetheless. and this i read in the house of the woman who makes me only feel slightly guilty about not going to church, b/c she knows my mom said it's ok. [nevermind that my female progenitor is across the ocean, and i'm legal].
not only for this will i burn in hell, but also for other things.
but hey, what's tact for, if not situations like these?
there are so many things one could write about when boredom is one's main activity. i assume it's an academical phenomenon of sorts, which doesn't have anything necessarily to do with what kind of education you had, but rather what kind of person you are, and whether you had _some_ sort of brief decent academic experience. as much as i don't like to remember high school (although that's a lie, sometimes i'm very nostalgic) the way we had high school, the kinda of teachers we had, combined with the kind of semi-intellectual snob that i am (although that's a lie too, b/c i have lost my brain in favor of *yaoi* happy happy me, and *yaoi* i love, be it smut or not), have rendered me able to bullshit.
i mean look at this: i am considered a very straightforward person, but i have just written a whole paragraph saying *nothing*...j. f** christ, this is so ironic.
there isn't really much to think about. too much stuff that's too depressing.
like the fact that i can't read yaoi, as long as i'm here w/o being obvious about having deleted traces. then of course the money issue (again): how much will i earn, how much for rent, how much for food, and can i upgrade my hometicket, so i can leave a little bit earlier, can i afford to go to otakon? (i really soo soo want to go). and then of course the summer: i'm becoming more and more glad that i will be having a lot of jobs, it will kill me, but then i won't have to deal with *yeach* relationship things. although i should.....see? now my head is aching again...i hate depressing stuff.
no wait: i hate life. give me a t1 connection & my laptop/any kind of comp really, and i'm happy.....well either that or a ticket back home, and non-academic leave
talking about home:
MARY-JANE: deine homepage scheint sich geaendert zu haben....ich krieg da naemlich nix.....
but frankly, it's not so bad, those things sound bad, cause they're stressy, but i can find peace in this ultimate boredom, in the idea of a summer wasting, in the idea of having dealt with my issues....it's just a question of not letting yourself dwell on who you want to see, what you _really_ want to do (like run away, far, far away)....weird shit like that
well yesterday was a nightmare of me refusing to socialize and thus spending hrs in another room, while guests were in ze house.
but today, oh today, i had the best breakfast ever, it was the ideal breakfast time too: 11ish. the food wasn't excellent per se, but it was simple and great and rich with memories. a few eggs, that weird crumbly/wet white cheese that is so, so egyptian and can be made of cow milk or goat milk (don't look at me like that, my aunt explained it), and that weird weird bread that is kinda like pita bread, but even less bread and more crust, and white. and the way i ate it: not with a fork but by scooping up stuff with the bread. which is so weird, b/c i don't _remember_ the last time i ate like that, i have those faded scenes in my mind of egyptian summers, but still, it was like i never stopped eating like that.
mhm and now orange juice ^_^.....don't mind me, i am desperately looking for entertainment, pratchett is finished, and i only have half a book left to read.
grrrrrr
hilfe
am slightly out of it....spent the night here at aunt's house, rolled up in the oldest, the muskiest sleeping bag of all time: it has a lake pattern on it, with flying wild geese and whatnot o.O
meow mio, working on reading the pratchett book, trying to figure out what else to do,
mari-chan you still alive? sorry, i haven't e-mailed you back yet, but i'm still working on the chara sheet e-mail.... i want to get it right ^_^;;; is work ok?
i'm definitely feeling ambiguous towards my stay here: on the one hand, there's the constant "we have to keep bugging her to eat sinething" and the comments about "fattening me up", and well of course only 2 books with me and 2 pubertarian guys to deal with. but then on the other hand: they will be in school, and i'm pretty good at keeping myself out of things [they're all in the church now, btw. my aunt was very puppy-eyed when i refused to come with]. and of course svet is training to be the bitch of the century, although i'm dealing with that, and riding it through, being patient and ignoring all the remarks about what a computer obssessive person i am (often followed by comparisons to her ex), she's just out of it, and unhappy, and me hanging all over zooey prolly doesn't help that.
i know i could prolly fix things somehow, given time. but this is such a huge discomfort, sometime even scares me.
have arrived....yoshimoto's "amrita" and pratchett's newest stowed away in my laptop case........ppl keep stuffing food in my face and making comments about my body size/structure.....geee whiz, i don't care...
must get off comp, will definitely finish bishounen chara sheet by tomorrow mari-chan! incidentally: go earn money and invite me to nihon for january!
finals were hell, especially the last night, pulled an all-nighter in the library, wrote anthro paper from scratch, not-really-edited paper from independent...both shitty as hell, but i definitely did a record, when i handed everything in before the deadline
packing took forever, so i paid for staying an additional night in my room, and even so only finished late into the next night, am now staying at that wonderful dorm called 1837, no am not eating too well, b/c i'm not an "official" worker until june, and therefore am not on the meal plan, and since eating is such a hassle, i don't really like bothering with it. but i do eat every day, so that's alright.
doing some small webwork for nemoto sensei this week, then probably being picked up by relatives on sat going to the house of no books, therefore most likely paying a visit to library before that
thought i could relax in peace, alas no such luck, explanations offered on request. poor mari-chan is working her ass for that hateful company, you can do it, girl! just think about that "warm, soft body" and whatnot *shudder*
more later, 'tis 1, ze svet is sleeping, or trying to, but kept up by my typing,
evil,evil me.
it is....umm 4 in the morning...and the paper from hell is progressing at a snail's pace....am seriously considering running amok, never mind being a pacifist....anthro paper needs to be more researched, but i can't do that unless i make some serious progress on the paper from hell..."marriage in heian japan" my ass...why? whywhywhy?
off to bed, wake up 9ish [hopefully my alarm will work] and tell myself, i can do it, then laugh at that statement, go smoke get hysterical then type up this shit, and hope i get some flow going, so i don't stare at the screen for hours on end
oooooh i'm such a pathetic lil bugger.....here i was supposed to actually get some work done, and i was all set....well it is now 3:30ish goddammit and i went with friends on a little trip to Denny's, which i have never been to before, but heard a lot about (ummm....24 hr cheap diner? except it's not really that cheap; that truckstop diner we go to from time to time - the whately diner - is cheaper and has better food)....of course i had to go ahead and compose some crappy lines on a napkin:
as nighthawks
we are whiling away
the dark
in this etablissement
under our class
the cathedral of shabby
70-ness
in our minds
a replay of glorious
30s Edward Hopper
don't mind me, i like to make an ass of myself, blame it on the hour....back to the paper from hell now, which won't be finished until a few days from now...dunno how much i'll get done, need some sleep before svet wakes me up tomorrow
so it's like....1 o' clock or something.....finished geo exam....not too much of a biggie....two papers to go, one not even properly researched the other....no comment (can we all say "paper from hell"?!)
why the heck did i ever want to do an independent study? why did i do it with one of the busiest professor on campus.
on another note: i went out for a smoke break on the back porch and saw an opposum...at least i think it was an opposum, weird stuff that, looked like a mutated giant rat. and i joined a cult (at least i think i am now a member), and want to hail my wonderful guru (and when i looked at photos lately, i realized how long we've all known each other, so maybe i shouldn't hail you, since i have incriminating evidence of all of us with baby fat).
tonight i will/must (or else i'm screwed): finish that section on secondary sources, and write out specific passages for the rest of the paper......read some ethnopsychiatry shit (for the other paper) or rather skim through it, and go back to the study room, so i can actually do all of the above.
tomorrow: i will be woken up early (9ish....gross), must go and type more shit...probably in the library
deliberated putting up some more quiz shit-a-ma-shit, but decided against, mainly cause none were really cool.....
i just took my japanese written final and gawd did it suck.....arrrgh, why can't i have the motivation/enthusiasm to study this shit regularly? wait a sec, i know....cause my vocabulary doesn't have those terms....arrgh, i'm screwed either way....
hoping to copy some geology notes, and take that stuff tomorrow, or sunday at the latest
still working on that paper (or rather, pretending to work, since i wrote one paragraph in 3 days)....i wouldn't be so scared if it wasn't for the fact that i need this to be good writing (if only for myself), and it's the only paper i have in my independent, essentially the only proof that, yes, i did read all these books over the course of the semester....
in addition: after fixing some of the financial shit-a-ma-shit that's going on, and doing some calculations i have realized that i will be working my ass off for 2 months doing 3 jobs, and after paying off everything, i will end up with oh maybe $400 at the most (say yay to a monthly rent of $404 excluding food, and the only food source being miles away, and since the bus isn't running, only accessible by foot....jesus fucking christ)....
however, it's not too bad really, if i pull this off, i have at least _something_ to be proud of, being independent and all that, handling my depressive worrisome life....what can i say, i'm an idealist ~_^
i will have lovely company, and most of all, i'll have schoolwork finished....thank. you. oh mean, bastardly, dastardly heavenly entity....i emphasize heavenly here, since hell can't be that horrible *g*
oh god.....soooo unproductive, hate this hate this....must.do.work. must. godddamit.....will probably stop by maren's tonight, study jap together/start on the paper [saw the prof. i'm writing it for on the green today, not very motivated after this encounter]
thank god for anime music, or specifically, "sleepless beauty" from the gravitation soundtrack...makes me feel sane, or rather makes me feel insane but good
woke up and read some fanfics....now off to work for an hour, then deal with financial services/housing....must start on paper tonight....will be back later today to talk some more, in the meantime:
oh my god, i'm the sumeragi, *biiiig grin*, watch me smoke and brood
You're Sumeragi Subaru! Angst, betrayal, and perhaps large floating sakura petals seem to follow you everywhere. And yet, through all the psychological anguish that characterizes your life, you still manage to be so much prettier than everyone else. Don't trust tall, dark and handsome men in sunglasses, no matter how sexy they may be. Which Dragon of Heaven are you? Quiz by Kerianne
saw spiderman yesterday....love the special effect....he's not like the comic though, or that's what i think at least
also saw belly dancing performance, was kay, then some anime, was kewl
today, i met with a friend, who used to be in my arabic class (she dropped out, but then, of course, i dropped out as well), and we just sat there and talked about relationships, school, summer. the sweet girl bought me an iced coffee, and that just seemed to make my day, lack of productivity aside. no matter, but i feel like this is one of these lonesome days, one of those days, when it should be raining, but the sun is trying to creep into your head, and when you suddenly feel like you're a lone wolf. (which is of course bullshit, b/c if anything i'd be a rodent or a bug). it's one of those days that call for writing, and i just might take up on the call and torment my environment with some more bad poetry.
need: motivation, money, cigs (that's part of the money deal), and a brain
want: to listen to j-rock, evade reality, hang out, cigs
yeah guys, i'm really trying to calculate budget, and scrounge up money, so i can upgrade my ticket and come home sooner, but the college is really not helpful. they want me to be financially cleared, in order for them to give me summer housing...never mind the fact that i'm staying on campus in order to get financially cleared....and nevermind the fact that i told them, i can get financially cleared pretty soon...seeing as i have one big job and two small ones.
ich hab meine maria lieb, 13 nachrichten geschrieben hat ^_^, heh, wahnsinn
today: got 3 hrs of sleep, helped out as staff at the german theater festival (had to wake up at 7 goddammit), wanted to take nap, lost 5 hrs doing that, b/c i was so tired...am _so_ unproductive....
jap oral exam tomorrow:
-kyanpasude kega o shita tokiwa, doushitara ii deshouka.
-yoru, onakaga suite, nerarenai toki wa, doushitara ii deshouka.
-ototoi tomodachito kenka shitan desu. sore kara, hanashite inain desu. dou....
-natsuyasumi no aida ni, nihongo o wasuretakunain desu. dou....
-natsuyasumi no aida ni, konpyuta no tsukaikata o naraitaindesu. dou...
-yasui hikouki no kippu o kaitaindesu.
-kuruma no unten o naraitaindesu.
-watashi no imoutoni tsuite hanashimasu.
-watashi no yotei to natsu yasumi ni tsuite hanashimasu.
i miss my sanity, it's been such a long time since we've met. "how do you do, sandra?" "i miss you, sanity. how about you?" Sanity always makes those short appearances for 5 mins, but that's before whatever heavenly or hellish powers decide they need to have some fun.
forgive me, it's fun, of course it is. i don't miss my sanity. of course i don't. i like being scary, i like scaring people, and i'm slowly getting used to the fact that that is wishful thinking. scaring people that is. won't happen. yes, i enjoy rambling. indeed.
and the sun was shining today. i was cold - but then i'm always cold - and it did not matter. it was simply glorious, and in a way, because my stress level has been the way it is, heartbreaking. because this wasn't about solitude and peace. it was about: ne pas pouvoir aimer le moment melancholique (and i'm sure my spelling stinks to heaven), parce qu'on est immobilise. and somehow, one day, one decides that it's quite alright the way it is. even if one fears the constant up and downs. it _is_ tiring after all. in the end, however, we, or at least i, cheat ourselves, forget about petrification, and remember sunshine. it is after all only a question of defying one's mind. an easy and amusing exercise ~_^
ahh...sleep....yeah, that's a nice one. not much, slight panic attack, followed by a day o' quiet sandra, productivity down the drain.... but well, i talked it over, and even though it still feels like a have taken a gigantic weight on my shoulders, it's ok, i shall deal and whatnot
apart from that, spent the day surfing, reading fanfics, looking at blogs....so, so jealous, must find some time, and get a new layout together...my independent study is going blah, and indirectly caused the panic attack...
i realize that i haven't listened to placebo in forever, that my writing style is deteriorating as i'm typing *i blame it on my dun-care attitude...and insomnia*, that i want to go home...no seriously, i am more than ready for a break: every time i close my eyes, i see the streets, the tramways, the coffeeshops, and you guys [you know who you are] - and i need to dig up some money...reservations are made for mid-august, but if i can upgrade my ticket, i could come early august ;)
eh...funky quiz...kinda scary...but oh well...go take
note to self: have to do tomorrow
- go to my 8:35
- go to the study meeting for my japanese oral
- reserve movie tix for spiderman
- hand in my jap homework (late)
- work on the f***** independent [outline, goddammit, read the new articles, goddammit]
- work on other school stuff i know i have to do
- go to work meeting for the german theater thingy [remember, it gets you money]
